Squint Until You See The Beauty

Isn't it funny how you've decided that your life will be one way and then a year later it's completely different than you ever imagined. A year ago I was newly engaged about this time. I thought I had life all figured out (As if anyone ever really  does). I was positive of what I wanted my life to become. I thought I had everything that I had ever wanted and dreamed about.  Most importantly I was convinced that I knew what the rest of my life was going to consist of, and I was ok with it. Now I look back and am not sure how I was willing to compromise in the areas I was forced to.

Over the last 8 months I've realized it's not healthy to want to be someone's saving grace. To want to be the reason why they choose to change. Over the past 8 months I've realized what a dysfunctional relationship does to the people in it. The repercussions are not short lived. They are things you bring to the table in a new relationship. Sometimes it makes it so difficult, the baggage that we carry with us from the past. It's frequent that I find myself wishing I could change the past or do things differently. But what would I have learned then? How would I have ever been prepared for a person to walk into my life who I can truly be myself with. Because that's all any of us want, is to be accepted for who we are. And let's be honest, I'm a whole lot of crazy, and it takes someone equally as crazy to enjoy life as much as I do.

I wouldn't trade this past year of my life for anything. I have grown more this past year than I ever thought possible. I've found that I am capable of great things, and sometimes very scary things. This beautiful life has emerged from all the trials and heartache. The best part is I have gained the best friend I could have ever asked for who accepts me and all my crazy. It truly is a beautiful life sometimes you just have to squint through the hard times to see it.

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry. I never meant to rub it in your face that I have moved on. I hope that one day you can figure out how to move on. Everything happens for a reason. I am grateful that you were apart of my life, you taught me so much about who I am and the type of relationship that I want. But holding onto the past does not allow you to move on. I'm so incredibly happy and have truly found the most amazing person I could have ever asked for. One day you will find that, but don't give up. Keep moving forward, and try to move on.

Kindness.

The Voice

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long, 

"I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong."

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend

Or wise man can decide

What's right for you-just listen to

The voice that speaks inside 

Recently I've been struggling with people's opinions of me. A friend of mine recently posted this poem of Shel Silversteins' and it really struck me. I'm definitely the type of person who dances to the beat of my own drum. Rarely do I care about what people think of me, however sometimes I get caught up in thinking they're right. But the truth is no one knows who I am or what I'm personally dealing with in my life. No one except for myself can tell me what is right or wrong for me. Equally, in turn I cannot do that for any other person, and I try not to. I do not claim to be perfect, and I do not expect the people around me to be perfect. I know people make mistakes and say things they shouldn't, all I can do is forgive and learn to be a little better myself. I'm so very grateful for my family and my friends and all the amazing things they do for me.

I think we all just need to be a little kinder to each other and whole lot more loving. Especially in these days of cyber bullying, when one person posts something and is completely attacked. It's okay to have a different opinion or outlook on life than someone else, but that doesn't make them any less of a person. It definitely doesn't make them any less in need of love and kindness. I my self need to adhere to this just as much as everyone else. I'm just so sadden by the constant hate and discontent being spread. It doesn't have to be this way, we can make and change and be the change. This is going to be my new goal in life, to just be a little kinder, a little less judgmental, and a little more loving. We are all different, that's the beauty of this life.

Excuse me?! I ordered the bed of roses package....

         Well, not everything always works out. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life. Although, often times what we thought we wanted really wasn't what we wanted at all. The last three months of my life have been an honest struggle. Although there were many happy moments, I feel like the bad often outweighed the good. No matter how hard I tried or how much I gave, it was never enough. I've felt defeated, crushed, depressed, heart-broken, angry, and many other sad adjectives. I've literally given my all, everything I had. I don't think there is strength in hanging on to a relationship that the other person clearly wants to have nothing to do with anymore. It's sad. But sometimes the only strength is in walking away. I deserve to be a priority in someones life. A person that comes before five siblings, their spouses and two parents, not after. I deserve to have a significant other who will stand up for me. I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, and is willing to walk through life by my side.
         Needless to say, I'm no longer getting married and I'm okay with that. In fact I think making the decision to walk away only made me a better person. All I want to do in this life is help people and progress myself. I wasn't progressing anymore, and on top of that I think I was losing myself in trying to make a relationship (that would never work) work. I deserve more. So here's to new adventures. Also, I have to say how grateful and blessed I am to have so many people who love and care about me. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me. You are all amazing.