Well, not everything always works out. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life. Although, often times what we thought we wanted really wasn't what we wanted at all. The last three months of my life have been an honest struggle. Although there were many happy moments, I feel like the bad often outweighed the good. No matter how hard I tried or how much I gave, it was never enough. I've felt defeated, crushed, depressed, heart-broken, angry, and many other sad adjectives. I've literally given my all, everything I had. I don't think there is strength in hanging on to a relationship that the other person clearly wants to have nothing to do with anymore. It's sad. But sometimes the only strength is in walking away. I deserve to be a priority in someones life. A person that comes before five siblings, their spouses and two parents, not after. I deserve to have a significant other who will stand up for me. I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, and is willing to walk through life by my side.
Needless to say, I'm no longer getting married and I'm okay with that. In fact I think making the decision to walk away only made me a better person. All I want to do in this life is help people and progress myself. I wasn't progressing anymore, and on top of that I think I was losing myself in trying to make a relationship (that would never work) work. I deserve more. So here's to new adventures. Also, I have to say how grateful and blessed I am to have so many people who love and care about me. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me. You are all amazing.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Sometimes we have to say hard things. This is one of those times.
Over two years ago was my last post. I guess I kind of gave up on the whole "blogging" thing. I came to find it tedious and over popular. I also didn't imagine people would actually want to read my thoughts. But, tonight I have something to say. Something that I've been prompted repeatedly over the last two weeks to share. Why? I have no idea. I just pray those that read this are kind. Please do not pity me, that's not why I'm writing this. Also I hope that those that read this will have an open mind and not judge me (or those who are apart of my story) too harshly.
Alright, this is definitely not something that is easy to write. But as I sat in relief society on Sunday and was prompted to share my story, I realized it would be much harder to actually say. So here I am, writing. I hope this helps someone. I feel like this is something that needs to be more widely talked about, and not something that people should be made to feel ashamed about. All I want to do in this life is make women realize their importance, beauty, and self worth.
So here it goes, on July 18, 2014 I was driving to Utah for my best friends wedding. I was dating David and was really unsure of everything. Somewhere around Malad I received this overwhelming confirmation of my prayers that he is my person. The person I should marry and continue through to eternity with. During the next 24 hours life seemed to take a turn for the worst. I let my pride get in the way, and because I wasn't getting exactly what I wanted I became angry. I didn't want to work things out I wanted to take the easy way out. I just wanted to be done. I think part of me thought that somehow the grass was going to be greener on the other side. I ended things, and told him I didn't want to be apart of his life anymore.Even though I received an answer of what I should do and what path I should take I went against it. I wanted to be selfish.
Over the next couple of weeks I started a Tinder account and tried to have my friends set me up on blind dates. While I talked to several guys, nothing ever seemed to stick or actually happen. Until the evening of August 9th.I had been talking to this guy since I started Tinder, and I decided to just invite him to come to the drive in with me and my friend that evening. A few hours before we were supposed to meet, my friend bailed. I wasn't overly concerned, because the guy was mutual friends with one of my ex boyfriends so I was sure it was safe. As the time got closer to meet up I got sick to my stomach. I played it off as nerves, it was my first date after breaking up with David, and continued on with the plan. Even after meeting the guy it still didn't feel right. But I ignored it. I ignored a prompting. But at the time, I thought it was just me overreacting. I look back now and see all the signs and promptings I was given during that time that I just simply ignored. I was so prideful, hurt and selfish that I didn't heed the warnings that were right in front of me. Even though I no longer blame myself for what happened that night, it still upsets me to know that I could have prevented it just by listening. Listening to the prompting I had received almost a month earlier, or any of the ones leading up to that day. But I didn't and that night I was raped.
This is definitely not something I would share with the general public, because it is something so very personal. But I've also felt over the past 10 months that I'm trying to hid something because I'm ashamed. While there was a great amount of time while I was ashamed, I'm not anymore, and I don't feel that I should be. Of course there still is some hurt there, and I'm not sure it will ever go away. But knowing how many people this affects it pains me that I was unaware of the large number of people that this has happened to. The amount of people who feel alone and that no one understands and that no one will ever understand. But there are people who understand and there are people who can help. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me, but the first time I covered it up, and pretended like it didn't happen. This caused many emotional problems in my life for years. I chose to suffer alone, I didn't have to. On August 10th I reached out to a very choice friend, well two actually. And the support and love they showed me was humbling. I only wish that I can do the same for someone else as what they did for me. While I choose to learn to adhere to promptings the hard way, God was still there for me, He didn't leave me. He sent people into my life to help.
Some lessons I've learned since last year are that when I have a bad feeling about something, typically that's God trying to tell me something, and I should listen, no matter what I want. Sometimes promptings are small and sometimes they are completely overcoming. Sometimes it takes effort to look at yourself and change things when you get an answer to a prayer. Putting in effort never put anyone further behind in life. Lastly, I learned it's ok, and it's going to be ok. All I need to do is put my trust in the Lord and He will help me through anything.
Alright, this is definitely not something that is easy to write. But as I sat in relief society on Sunday and was prompted to share my story, I realized it would be much harder to actually say. So here I am, writing. I hope this helps someone. I feel like this is something that needs to be more widely talked about, and not something that people should be made to feel ashamed about. All I want to do in this life is make women realize their importance, beauty, and self worth.
So here it goes, on July 18, 2014 I was driving to Utah for my best friends wedding. I was dating David and was really unsure of everything. Somewhere around Malad I received this overwhelming confirmation of my prayers that he is my person. The person I should marry and continue through to eternity with. During the next 24 hours life seemed to take a turn for the worst. I let my pride get in the way, and because I wasn't getting exactly what I wanted I became angry. I didn't want to work things out I wanted to take the easy way out. I just wanted to be done. I think part of me thought that somehow the grass was going to be greener on the other side. I ended things, and told him I didn't want to be apart of his life anymore.Even though I received an answer of what I should do and what path I should take I went against it. I wanted to be selfish.
Over the next couple of weeks I started a Tinder account and tried to have my friends set me up on blind dates. While I talked to several guys, nothing ever seemed to stick or actually happen. Until the evening of August 9th.I had been talking to this guy since I started Tinder, and I decided to just invite him to come to the drive in with me and my friend that evening. A few hours before we were supposed to meet, my friend bailed. I wasn't overly concerned, because the guy was mutual friends with one of my ex boyfriends so I was sure it was safe. As the time got closer to meet up I got sick to my stomach. I played it off as nerves, it was my first date after breaking up with David, and continued on with the plan. Even after meeting the guy it still didn't feel right. But I ignored it. I ignored a prompting. But at the time, I thought it was just me overreacting. I look back now and see all the signs and promptings I was given during that time that I just simply ignored. I was so prideful, hurt and selfish that I didn't heed the warnings that were right in front of me. Even though I no longer blame myself for what happened that night, it still upsets me to know that I could have prevented it just by listening. Listening to the prompting I had received almost a month earlier, or any of the ones leading up to that day. But I didn't and that night I was raped.
This is definitely not something I would share with the general public, because it is something so very personal. But I've also felt over the past 10 months that I'm trying to hid something because I'm ashamed. While there was a great amount of time while I was ashamed, I'm not anymore, and I don't feel that I should be. Of course there still is some hurt there, and I'm not sure it will ever go away. But knowing how many people this affects it pains me that I was unaware of the large number of people that this has happened to. The amount of people who feel alone and that no one understands and that no one will ever understand. But there are people who understand and there are people who can help. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me, but the first time I covered it up, and pretended like it didn't happen. This caused many emotional problems in my life for years. I chose to suffer alone, I didn't have to. On August 10th I reached out to a very choice friend, well two actually. And the support and love they showed me was humbling. I only wish that I can do the same for someone else as what they did for me. While I choose to learn to adhere to promptings the hard way, God was still there for me, He didn't leave me. He sent people into my life to help.
Some lessons I've learned since last year are that when I have a bad feeling about something, typically that's God trying to tell me something, and I should listen, no matter what I want. Sometimes promptings are small and sometimes they are completely overcoming. Sometimes it takes effort to look at yourself and change things when you get an answer to a prayer. Putting in effort never put anyone further behind in life. Lastly, I learned it's ok, and it's going to be ok. All I need to do is put my trust in the Lord and He will help me through anything.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Learn to have a little bit of trust
If this is redemption, why do I bother at all
There's nothing to mention, and nothing has changed
Still I'd rather be working at something, than praying for the rain
So I wander on, till someone else is saved
I moved to the coast, under a mountain
Swam in the ocean, slept on my own
At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay
I'd remember all the things my mother wrote
That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Two thousand years, I've been in that water
Two thousand years, sunk like a stone
Desperately reaching for nets
That the fishermen have thrown
Trying to find, a little bit of hope
Me I was holding, all of my secrets soft and hid
Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all
So if in the future I might need myself a savior
I'll remember what was written on that wall
That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own
So we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you my friend, I'd learn to have just a little bit of trust
There's nothing to mention, and nothing has changed
Still I'd rather be working at something, than praying for the rain
So I wander on, till someone else is saved
I moved to the coast, under a mountain
Swam in the ocean, slept on my own
At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay
I'd remember all the things my mother wrote
That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Two thousand years, I've been in that water
Two thousand years, sunk like a stone
Desperately reaching for nets
That the fishermen have thrown
Trying to find, a little bit of hope
Me I was holding, all of my secrets soft and hid
Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all
So if in the future I might need myself a savior
I'll remember what was written on that wall
That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true
Have i been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own
So we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you my friend, I'd learn to have just a little bit of trust
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Who We Are
The Media lies. We are who we are. Embrace it. Don't be ashamed because you're not like someone else. It's good to be alive. Love it.
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