Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"Fear and Faith cannot exist in the same person at the same time"

"There's a part of me that's empty
I know only love can fill
I'm afraid I'll never find it
And I'm scared to death I will"
This describes my emotions as of late perfectly.
While I was having a conversation with a friend the other night I said "that's why I am never getting married cuz all men are jerks." He replies with "you always say that" I said"I know cuz it's true" He said "I think you want it to be true to help you be angrier at the situation, but in reality you know it isn't." I asked him to clarify and he said "It's like you are saying it to try and convince yourself." I don't remember what I said after this because I was a little dumbfounded that he hit the nail on the head.
My fear of finding and not finding someone to spend eternity with shapes my responses when asked about my dating life. I am constantly being asked "so are you dating anyone these days" and I have 3 responses I use. Response #1 "I don't date." a simple, easy too the point answer. Response #2 "I have given up on finding a nice man." the most truthful response, but normally leads to a lecture on how I should have hope and what not. And finally response #3 "I go on dates but nothing serious" the most common answer I give. I am constantly saying "I am never getting married." I say this because part of me believes I never will get married and that's petrifying, but then there is the other part of me that believes I will find a man and fall in love then have to choose if he is really the man I want to spend eternity with and that is equally as petrifying. So up to this point in my life I have been dating in fear, and really who wants to live a life in fear? that's right no one. So from now on I will walk in faith and do whats right, knowing that Heavenly Father will make everything fall into place when the time is right for me. He will not let me marry a man who is not right for me if I am doing whats right and seeking his counsel.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Putting Up My Walls

This is a song written and sung by Katy McAllister. She is amazing. And I feel that this song describes parts of my life to the T.

Consider me gone by morning.
I know what you want, so I won't hang around
As you let me down.
I'd consider you wrong but I'm the fool
To keep letting you come around
Just to let me down.
And I let it get this far.
But you had me from the start.
Feels like a lifetime in fact.
Still we keep coming back.

It's the same routine, just a different scene.
And I don't believe in resisting.
It's the same old stunt, just a different month.
And you've noticed that I can't resist.
Can't get over this.
I'll see you around, next time you let me down.

I don't expect a response my darling
After you get what you want, so I won't wait around
For you to let me down.
So I put up these walls my darling
And I say that I'm done, but you know better now
You'll still let me down.
I don't see this getting better, going anywhere
Cause I've always been in way too deep,
And you know me better.
I'm bad at this whole resisting thing.


It's easier to make mistakes, than to make you stay away.
It's easier for my heart to break, than to feel nothing.
It's better to let you be a fake, for one night
I will close my eyes,
And pretend like I don't die a little inside.

(And I don't believe in resisting.
Just different month, that I fell in love.
Get me over this. But I can't resist.)

So I put up these walls my darling,
And I say that I'm done, but you know better now
You'll still let me down.