"I realized she doesn't need an army to protect her... You don't let anyone close enough to hurt you in the first place."
Story of my life. It is commonly said to me that I have a new man every day, or am crazy about a new guy every week. Even though I deny it, this is a very true statement. But why do I choose to do this? The first reason is because I don’t like to waste my time. If I find a man is not what I want, I ditch him before I obtain real feelings. The second reason goes hand in hand with the first, because I don’t like to get hurt. By having multiple men at one time and going through them frequently none of them get the chance to break down my wall. The few who have gotten through to me are the reasons why I am this way. I do not trust men, and I don’t know that I ever will. I don’t feel that any man will respect me, as none have that I have dated up until this point in my life. So what do I do? I run. As soon as a man gets to a point where I think I could have feelings for him I find some way to rid myself of him.
“Can I ask you a question please? Promise you won’t laugh at me. Honestly I am standing here afraid I’ll be betrayed. As twisted as it seems I only feel love when it’s in my dreams.”
I trust no man, for fear he will only betray me as so many have before. For fear that he will change in a month and no longer respect me. For fear that one day he will leave me. For fear that one day I will no longer be good enough and the girl next door is much better. For fear that one day the video games will be much more important than me. For fear that no matter how much I try, I will never be what he really wants. For fear that he is still in love with someone else, and I am only a stand in. For fear that if we do get married he won’t be willing to work out our problems and just leave. For fear that he has some unidentified demons or addictions that don’t surface till many years later. For fear that if I gain weight he will no longer love me. For fear that he will be exactly like every other man I have dated.
“You think that I’m still here, you see me, you feel me…But I am gone. I don’t need any more broken hearts.”
Once a day I have someone tell me I am pretty, gorgeous, talented, amazing so on and so forth. But that’s the thing I don’t get, if I am so amazing and gorgeous why don’t men treat me as such? It’s not because I don’t demand it, because I do. I do not put up with being treated like crap (which is once again why men come and go so quickly). I was reading THIS blog post and thinking how similar I want my future husband to be. I want a man who does notice some of the little things I do and appreciate what I do. I was having a conversation with a friend this week that went something like this.
Him: Lindsey I really think you should date “Jim”
Me: Oh, and why is that?
Him: Well because you are kind of amazing, you always take care…..
Me: of all the men in my life?! Yeah I know!
Him: Well yeah. You always pamper men and he is a really great guy who deserves a girl like you to treat him just as well as he would treat you.
Me thinking “Well if I am so amazing how come only one man would treat me as amazing back?!”
My response: I don’t know I will think about it.
I am just so confused. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. All I want is a nice man who respects me and to live happily ever after.