Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Missing my Bestie :(

I really miss my best friend. I need her to come back from Kansas. I really just need to talk to her, about everything. I feel like the worst friend because I haven't written her in two months, but it kinda just breaks me heart every time I think about it. Because I just want to call her on the telephone tell her to come over and talk to her. (There is no way I could have ever waited for a missionary, it would have destroyed me! Although, maybe it's worse when it's your best friend that's gone.) She is the person I tell everything to, the person who knows what I am thinking even before I say it. The person who offers me the best advice. (We used to joke that all we really needed was male versions of each other and we would be set, how true it still is.) Right now I really just need her advice. To work out, make dinner and eat ice cream together. This is horrible, but I just want her to come home. There is no way I can last another 10 months without her!

*I should clarify this post and the previous post are about two completely different people.*

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Truth (the truth I wouldn't even admit to myself, until now)

***Lyrics to both songs are crucial to listen to***

You've been my best friend for 4 years now. As much as I denied it at times, I have always loved you on some level or another. We fight and bicker like an old married couple and/or siblings. We get mad at each other, we get over it. We tease each other, we care for each other(or did). But lately it has become more one sided, I have continued to do everything I could for you. But I have slowly felt more and more used as the days have gone on. You weren't there when I needed you the most, in fact you went running to the other side. Instead of standing by me and helping me be ok, you were talking behind my back with him. Nothing cuts more like a dagger to the back. But I dealt with it, I mean we have been through everything together, I need you.

I realized on Thursday that I had just become your little guinea pig. Someone you used when you needed. You can send me a text and back peddle and say it was a joke all you want. But it's been 4 years, remember? I know you better than that. Yeah, I called you out for acting weird, because you have been, you never would have used me like that before this. I don't understand why you are acting this way. You say you thought things were great, of course you did you were reaping all the benefits while I was breaking down inside.

You ditched me on our dinner plans, and then claimed you didn't even remember making them. It was only the night before, and I texted you that morning to make sure we were still down. But you claimed you ate too much at work, and then didn't want to spend any time with me that night? Not even a phone call or text to explain. You rarely answer my phone calls and texts anymore. But the second I don't answer a text you call me, and when I don't answer you call 8 times leaving voice mails and texting me again. Then when I do answer the phone in a rush(because I am late), you think I'm "copping an attitude". The things you said to me in that phone call are ingrained in my memory, I will never be able to forget them.

So this is where our journey comes to an end. This is where I cut you out of my life completely. Because a person who truly cared for me, would never have said half the things you did to me tonight. I feel completely broken inside, you have cut me deeper than any man. So here's the truth, the biggest reason I moved home was you. I have made a lot of my major decisions the past four years around you. Yes, this is the first time I am actually admitting to it, but in order to move on I have to. I moved home because I wasn't strong enough to erase you from my life completely, but I knew something had to be done. I even told my mom the other day that I keep going back to you cuz I have no one to replace you with. I still don't, but now there is no going back, not after what you said today.

I know I have created this facade of being a boy crazy girl who goes on millions of dates and doesn't care about any men, but that's just so no one will ever see my pain and hurt. I don't like people being able to see me as vulnerable or weak, so I don't let them see that. Except this time, I chose to show you all my vulnerabilities and how hurt I truly was, and you did nothing. So I became bitter and calloused again and pretended nothing was wrong, because if you couldn't help me, no one could. So now I'm completely heartbroken with no where to turn. I can't trust, and after this it will take a miracle for me to be able to trust any man again. I showed you me, and you threw me out with the trash.

There's the truth. All of it. I'm just a girl hiding behind a mask. I let a man see behind my mask, and he shattered me into a million pieces. Good luck to the next poor sap.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Blown Away

Ok, so I have always had this desire to be a good hip hop dancer...but unfortunately I am white, Real white, so this limits my hip hop dancing skills immensely. Nevertheless, I do enjoy watching people who can dance and watching dance movies and then when I fall asleep that night I dream that I have the talents and skills such as theirs. So anyways the JabbaWockeez are very well know and talented. I stumbled upon this video today and thought I would show you all what my dream is gonna be tonight. (Just insert me as one of the amazing dancers, preferably the little kids cause they are just adorable!)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

"Honestly, I just need to be a little crazy."

"So what if I go out on a million dates?
You never call or listen to me anyway.
I'd rather rage then sit around and wait all day.
Don't get me wrong I just need some time to play"

Bam! Once again music describes me perfectly! ha ha

and she rambles on and on....

Ok, tonight while it started out horrible with past men popping up all over the place, ended wonderfully when I made a new best friend! Seriously one of the coolest guys I have ever met! His brutal honesty, utter kindness and complete manliness is such a difference from all the past men. But, don't be confused I am not interested romantically in this man, but I see an excellent friendship brewing. ha ha We made a deal that I will find him a not so crazy gorgeous girl and he will find me a real manly man who can be honest with me. Sounds like an excellent deal, eh?

Also seeing "Mr. I thought you were my knight and shining armor" tonight putting his arm around another girl dug pretty deep, but the weird thing, it made me get over him on the spot. I deserve so much better, not a man who is going to do something to get a rise out of me(cause his arm was only around her as I walked by...REALLY?! Who are you!!!). Yes, I can admit I may not have been over him, even though I have been saying I am, as I have gone on the 3 dates already this week. It just sucks to find out what he really felt after, cause it makes me feel like I was absolutely nothing to him, even though he claimed just the opposite. But life is constantly changing, and I have definitely changed my opinion of him, because why would you hurt someone like that if you truly cared for them?

Now I am not saying I am perfect, I have many, many flaws as well. For example, last night's guy did tell me that I am completely boy crazy and date a lot. I asked him how he could know such things about me, we hadn't ever hung out and that was our first date. He said that its easy to tell when I go country dancing that there are a lot of men I am dating and that I flirt with everyone...huh. He even said that every time he try's to talk to me or ask me to dance I am talking with or dancing with other guys...I guess I never realized men actually paid attention to me... I truly thought I was invisible, I mean especially since I am in a room with a couple hundred people. So maybe I am hurting the guys I am dating without even realizing it? But the thing is I would never do that intentionally in front of them to hurt them. I just enjoy dating and getting to know new people, and I happen to be good at flirting so I do it....a lot. Maybe the truth is I'm not ready for a serious, committed relationship, because I enjoy being single and going on lots of dates. I enjoy playing the field. and no I don't think that is a bad thing. I will be married for forever, so I want to date a ton of men and decide what it is I really want. Judge me, but I want to live a life full of excitement and get to know many people before I decide to get hitched.

So, while I go on date #4 of the week tomorrow, I will try to be better, and think of others feelings. But in return I need them to think of mine. I know I have my crazy moments, but really everyone does. You have to be willing to accept someone for who they are fully, the bad, the good, the crazy and the ugly before you commit to an eternity with them.

Sorry for my rambles that don't really flow. But it is what it is. Starting today, I live my life with no regret. I'm not going to try to pretend to be someone I'm not, I'm honest with every man I date, I live life one day at a time, I don't intentionally hurt people, and I will go with the flow of whatever life throws my way...cause I definitely need to throw the drama on the wayside.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

You know it's time to move to a new town when....

When you get asked on a date by a "cute guy" in your ward, he tells you he will pick you up Monday at 8 and then tell you what you're going to be doing. He texts you a couple hours before to tell you, that you will be going on a scavenger hunt double date with "Football Boy". Yes, "Football Boy" the same guy you went to the football game with on a date last semester. The same guy who ignored you half way through the 3rd quarter when his sister shows up, then ditches you and makes you walk home alone. So a little awkward but nothing that can't be handled.

So when 8 rolls around and "cute guy" picks me up I tell him that I have gone out with "football boy" last semester and he worriedly asks, "Is this gonna be awkward, I didn't tell him you were my date." To which of course my response was, "no it's fine, it will only be awkward if we make it that way." So we show up to "football boy's" apartment and there are two girls there and him...awkward? No.... They are making donuts when we get there and "cute guy", kind of confused asked, "so when are we gonna go on a scavenger hunt." To which "football boy" replies, "Oh well we kinda just thought we would do donuts instead." At this point one of the girls chimes in, "we need to go to wal-mart to get oil to fry the donuts." The other girl says that she will drive, and "cute guy" says that he will drive and we will meet them there. (thank goodness, cuz I was on awkward overload).

So we drive to Wal-mart and discuss the situation of what is going on. I say I am fine with whatever, because really I was, and he offers to maybe bail and do our own thing(which I was more than ok with). "Cute guy" also apologizes for not being able to go on a scavenger hunt he says, "I left it up to "football boy" and I guess he isn't quite the planner like I am." ha ha. So we go into wal-mart while we wait for them to get there. As we are walking around we run into "cheer man" who I dated a bit last year. We both said "hello" and walked our separate ways, but it only took "cute guy" a half a second to say, "so how many guys are we going to run into tonight that you have dated?" To which my response is, "well I would like to tell you none, but the chances are high we may see one more guy I have dated tonight." It's always great to start out a new something with old somethings all over the place. So we decide to leave wal-mart and "cute guy" calls "football boy" and asks where they are and what is up with the two girls. After the phone call "cute guy" tells me that "football boy" didn't realize that he was going to be getting his own date so he got a date for him. They also had decided to go to Lee's instead of wal-mart, so we head back to "football boy's" house. (great, so now we have to go back to "football guy's" house where there are two girls, one of which thought they were going to be on a date with "cute guy" just my luck the way this date is going). I should tell you that "cute boy" did once again apologize for the awkward situation, and then told me that he wanted to take me out, which made me feel a little better.

So we make it back to "football boy's" house and start to make donuts, making the best of the situation, but ultimately allow the three to make the majority and chat with my date. At about 9:30 "cute guy" says we are headed out and we go get smoothies, and continue chatting. Then he takes me home, we chat some more and I bid him adieu. Let me tell you though, the last part was far better than the first part. Second date? I don't know, I guess we will have to see. He is a pretty cool guy though. But it is definitely time for me to be in a town where I haven't dated half the men...