Courage

I wrote this last night, but didn't have the courage to post it, because I feared who would read it. Now, after hours of talking, crying and listening I realize maybe it's something people should know. It's not something that defines me, or makes me a bad person, it is simply just something that happened to me. And like I wrote I WANT to help people and I feel through this journey of healing that maybe I will be able to help someone else. If I do nothing else in this life but to help one soul, that will be enough.

Courage: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Courage is something I feel that I lack a majority of the time. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and deals with emotions I like to bury down deep. In my hour long phone call at 2 in the morning last night I realize, maybe in this case it's something I need to have. Because Trev pointed out so plainly that this is something I will never heal from unless I deal with it. I can hide it away, and pretend like I'm okay but I never really will be. That terrifies me just as much as admitting what happened to me. I don't know that I can do it. But I don't know that I can survive it if I don't. I need help but I'm too proud and embarrassed to reach out for it. Trev said I can't help others emotionally if I am not willing to help myself and fix myself emotionally. There is nothing I want more.