Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Sometimes we have to say hard things. This is one of those times.

Over two years ago was my last post. I guess I kind of gave up on the whole "blogging" thing. I came to find it tedious and over popular. I also didn't imagine people would actually want to read my thoughts. But, tonight I have something to say. Something that I've been prompted repeatedly over the last two weeks to share. Why? I have no idea. I just pray those that read this are kind. Please do not pity me, that's not why I'm writing this. Also I hope that those that read this will have an open mind and not judge me (or those who are apart of my story) too harshly.

Alright, this is definitely not something that is easy to write. But as I sat in relief society on Sunday and was prompted to share my story, I realized it would be much harder to actually say. So here I am, writing. I hope this helps someone. I feel like this is something that needs to be more widely talked about, and not something that people should be made to feel ashamed about. All I want to do in this life is make women realize their importance, beauty, and self worth.
So here it goes, on July 18, 2014 I was driving to Utah for my best friends wedding. I was dating David and was really unsure of everything. Somewhere around Malad I received this overwhelming confirmation of my prayers that he is my person. The person I should marry and continue through to eternity with. During the next 24 hours life seemed to take a turn for the worst. I let my pride get in the way, and because I wasn't getting exactly what I wanted I became angry. I didn't want to work things out I wanted to take the easy way out. I just wanted to be done. I think part of me thought that somehow the grass was going to be greener on the other side. I ended things, and told him I didn't want to be apart of his life anymore.Even though I received an answer of what I should do and what path I should take I went against it. I wanted to be selfish.

Over the next couple of weeks I started a Tinder account and tried to have my friends set me up on blind dates. While I talked to several guys, nothing ever seemed to stick or actually happen. Until the evening of August 9th.I had been talking to this guy since I started Tinder, and I decided to just invite him to come to the drive in with me and my friend  that evening. A few hours before we were supposed to meet, my friend bailed. I wasn't overly concerned, because the guy was mutual friends with one of my ex boyfriends so I was sure it was safe. As the time got closer to meet up I got sick to my stomach. I played it off as nerves, it was my first date after breaking up with David, and continued on with the plan. Even after meeting the guy it still didn't feel right. But I ignored it. I ignored a prompting. But at the time, I thought it was just me overreacting. I look back now and see all the signs and promptings I was given during that time that I just simply ignored. I was so prideful, hurt and selfish that I didn't heed the warnings that were right in front of me. Even though I no longer blame myself for what happened that night, it still upsets me to know that I could have prevented it just by listening. Listening to the prompting I had received almost a month earlier, or any of the ones leading up to that day. But I didn't and that night I was raped.

This is definitely not something I would share with the general public, because it is something so very personal. But I've also felt over the past 10 months that I'm trying to hid something because I'm ashamed. While there was a great amount of time while I was ashamed, I'm not anymore, and I don't feel that I should be. Of course there still is some hurt there, and I'm not sure it will ever go away. But knowing how many people this affects it pains me that I was unaware of the large number of people that this has happened to. The amount of people who feel alone and that no one understands and that no one will ever understand. But there are people who understand and there are people who can help. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me, but the first time I covered it up, and pretended like it didn't happen. This caused many emotional problems in my life for years. I chose to suffer alone, I didn't have to. On August 10th I reached out to a very choice friend, well two actually. And the support and love they showed me was humbling. I only wish that I can do the same for someone else as what they did for me. While I choose to learn to adhere to promptings the hard way, God was still there for me, He didn't leave me. He sent people into my life to help.

Some lessons I've learned since last year are that when I have a bad feeling about something, typically that's God trying to tell me something, and I should listen, no matter what I want. Sometimes promptings are small and sometimes they are completely overcoming. Sometimes it takes effort to look at yourself and change things when you get an answer to a prayer. Putting in effort never put anyone further behind in life. Lastly, I learned it's ok, and it's going to be ok. All I need to do is put my trust in the Lord and He will help me through anything.

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