"If this is love...someone please tell me so."

I have been evaluating my life a bit the past couple of weeks. These are things I have had on my mind, being kicked out of my major and deciding what path to take next, who my true friends are and if they are helping me be the best person I can be, if the decisions I am making in my dating life are the right ones, whether moving home for the summer or staying in Logan all summer is a good decision. Also, as of the past couple days, who the idiot in the dog costume is and if he will regret the ice cream he threw in my hair when I file an assault charge against him.
I will start with the whole 'dating scene'. I don't understand how I have dated/gone on dates with 30+ men this school year and yet I still haven't found a guy that I can date for more than two weeks! I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. Especially since I found a great guy, granted he had some problems, and I still couldn't bring myself to date him. I've never ever felt that 'spark' with a person before, and I am starting to doubt that I ever will. (no this is not a pity post, I am just writing my feelings). I may be a little picky. But I don't feel that its too much to ask for a man who is chivalrous, a gentleman, holds the priesthood, and respects me and stands for the same values as myself. Granted I also need a man that is capable of protecting me, and being there for me. So, while this is going to be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, this summer I am going to quit dating. I feel like half of my problem is that I am not finding "joy in the journey" and that I am worrying too much on who and when. Which I really shouldn't worry about at all, except for with all my friends getting married it scared me that it will never happen to me. I just need to be living my life and having fun, because it truly is a blessing to be experiencing the things I am experiencing at this time in my life. I also feel that I need to better myself and be the person that I want to be before I can love someone else for the best person that they can be and are. I am thoroughly excited to take this summer be with my family and find myself again, who I am and what I want out of life again.
The jury is still out on everything else on the list...but hopefully I will find some answers soon, or I may go crazy.

Provoking Quotes with Provoking Thoughts

Anent Neglect

Young as the evening,
but all alone—
this picture lacks a certain touch.
You see that quiet telephone?
I'm hot—but I'm not bothered much!

by Kathryn Kay

This poem just makes me laugh! I feel I am a cute girl, and yet guys never just walk up to me and ask me out?! True, I date more than most girls I know, but Dang It! I just want a man to walk up to me tell me I am gorgeous and ask me out! Kathryn Kay is amazing, all of her poems evoke what a Mormon woman feels, and I LOVE it!

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever."
Dave Matthews Band

when do you tell your best friend you have fallen for him? When do you risk the most amazing friendship to risk a relationship that may not work out, and therefore ruin your friendship? When do you risk your pride for something that could last for eternity?

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."
Cher

I once told my dad about a guy I was dating, "don't worry dad, he is just a stepping stone, and I am just having fun until I find another guy." ha ha well I have had a lot of "stepping stones" and I also have had a lot of fun, and experienced the things I don't want from the man I spend eternity with. The downfall to this quote is now my dad refers to all the guys I date as "stepping stones" oh goodness.

"A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night, a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life."
Ana Alas

This is a quote I need to learn from. I move from man to man, because I get bored, so I say. Truthfully its just so I don't get hurt. My friends felt they had to intervene on my behavior this evening because of all the men I go through. But I don't feel that I am ready to give my heart to someone, and risk it breaking.

"I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you."
Groucho Marx

I have been looking for a man like you(if you read this I am sure you will know I am talking about you) -not you, but a man like you. I hope this doesn't hurt you, you are amazing and ideal, but not quite it. I don't know how to describe it, but something is missing, and I feel there is still something out there I have yet to discover. I also am sorry if you read this, but I feel like I am just stringing you along at this point and that nothing will ever truly happen between us.

"I really can't deny it, I am who I am. I'm pretty normal. I'm not that smooth type of girl. I run into things, I trip, I spill food. I say stupid things... I really don't have it all together."
Katie Holmes

This is me in a nutshell. I was told today that I am down to earth and low-maintenance and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being the person I am and I am not about to change for anyone.

Traits of the Men I have dated

how many times have you used that line?
did you replace the last two dozen names with mine?

is ‘I love you baby’ second nature by now?
cause it sounds awful rehearsed
when the words leave your mouth

I don’t know why but it seems
that I’m not the first to have heard this speech
is this a routine you just repeat?
cause I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth

your performance deserves an academy award
and it’s a double edged sword cause I sure feel adored

but just between us i’d rather see you slip up
don’t you know that it’s those
less than perfect words I can’t get enough of

maybe I’m outta my head
but i’m telling you baby that I’ve been misled
so if the record’s off well could you get it set?
I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth

well you’ve proven your charm is a crime
oh and ooooh why don’t you see
the harm in relying on this disguise
you’re losing me with every little wink of the eye

the end of my rope is slipping out of my hold
so if you’re clever you’d better do some damage control

I don’t know why but it seems
you’ve made a game of making a fool outta me
and I did not sign up to be
your tongue-in-cheek, hey oh yeah
I don’t mean to presume
that you don’t love me like you say you do but
you’re gonna have to prove that you’re true
and you’re not just talkin’ smooth
oh can you prove you’re not just talkin’ smooth

Bewilderment with a side of unease

Over the past year I have made decisions, some good, some bad, to get me to where I am today. Looking back though, I don't think I would have chosen a different path. Even though they are things that have brought me heartache and trouble, I have learned from my mistakes and become a stronger person. Well....I have tried to learn from my mistakes, I have relapsed a few times, but hey I am only human!!! But there is one thing that I just can't understand, I have dated jerks, complete jerks, and I know they are jerks and yet I still long to be with them after things are over? Maybe its just the companionship I long for? I have no idea. But if I could wish one thing, it would be to find a nice guy who respects me, is a gentleman(opens my door even when we are just hanging out) and well good looking and fun to be with. Not saying I am wishing to find that right now, but I want the next guy I fall for to be that guy. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

Onto guy friends...so once upon a time I had these great guy friends, had being the key word. To keep things short we got in a huge fight and I found out they were cowards and jerks. On Sunday I went to a fireside and these boys were there and sought me out afterward and apologized and told me they wanted to be friends again. But I felt the apology was fake like the last two I received from these elect gentlemen, so I just agreed so we could part ways. Really it frustrates me though that people can be that fake, they only wanted to hear that I forgave them so they felt ok with themselves. They don't care about me, and they have no desire to be my friend.

So...I have this other guy friend and we have now been friends for over a year, and I consider him to be my best friend. I seriously have no idea what I would do without him, my life doesn't feel complete when I don't talk to him...and we always joke around that we should date and we had a phone conversation where we were joking around about getting married. But part of me kind of wants that, and could picture that...(if he reads this I will die)...but then there is part of me where I am totally messing around and wouldn't ever go there....oh what to do what to do???

Lets be honest, Men are complicated, whether they are friends or more than friends. But I really need to be better at not blurring the lines of friendship and relationship, it would help make things less complicated.