Life Plan!

So. I have this new found love of writing little poems. Sometimes they don't even have any correlation with my life. But I feel they are full of emotion and kinda powerful. It's just kinda fun, and I have tons of them scattered all over notebooks and such... Anyways enjoy!

It all just seems like a big joke.
When is someone going to pop out and yell, "you've been punked"
Because there is no way this can be real.
Everything moves in a blur and nothing seems to matter.
I watch as the seconds on the clock turn into minutes, then hours.
I just want something real, something tangible.
As the time winds down I find the difficulty rising.
I am slowly loosing hope, but my disdain for the negativity keeps me afloat.

Maybe I will become a song writer...since I am writing a book it seems like the next plausible step! :) So I can be a dental assistant with an associates degree, a book, a song writer and a closet creative. Bam! Life plan!

Sometimes heaven isn't so far away.

Sometimes going to bed at 10:30 is wonderful! I wake up happy and full of energy. Waking up to finish writing a paper not so wonderful, but finishing said paper is relieving! Almost being done with school, wonderful. Getting positive feedback on the paper I felt was not very well written, amazing. Having a good conversation with a very sweet man, intriguing. Coming home and spending an hour chatting with a good friend, blissful. Flirting with my crush and then agreeing to go on a date with him when we are both in the same town, heaven. Being able to stand up and say no to man who I really do not want to go on a date with, empowering. Figuring out what to do with both my bridal shower gifts and getting them wrapped, accomplishing. Eating dinner with the roommates and then watching She's the Man, perfect. The ability to have a full day of happy emotions, completely priceless.

This is just for ME.

Sometimes life is difficult and hard to understand. sometimes people make mistakes and you have to learn to forgive them and not judge as harshly. sometimes we make mistakes and have to learn from them and become better to not do them again. sometimes the poor choices we make affect others unlike we ever thought they would. sometimes its great to catch up with old friends that haven't been seen in two years. sometimes its good to make mistakes so we can grow and become better. But most times more often than not I find myself lonely. I thought he could maybe take away my loneliness but now because of a few stupid decisions I am not so sure he even wants to be a part of my life. But I will learn and move on, but I am still kinda hoping we can work things out. For what am I if I am not his "sweet girl". I know I have plenty of time and options, and some would claim that I don't know him well enough, but I know the honesty of what he said and the way he made me feel. Maybe it was all just a dream...But my dreams have to come true some day right? I have decided I am very bad at keeping goals, because if we work things out I am willing to give up my one man a month goal for the summer, cuz I think he might just be worth it. What have I got to lose I guess? It's not like I have another man worthy of a title such as "Mr. Perfect" knocking down my door. I just don't understand sometimes how feelings like this can happen? It's weird I rarely see him haven't even really gone out with him but yet he has easily put his name on the list of people who are important to me and I care a lot about... These next two weeks will be interesting as I am not going to give up dating other men but I will give up getting serious with any men for him. I feel like thats a lot coming from me. I mean I enjoy dating, and we aren't in an exclusive relationship. I just really need summer here and classes to be over. I am so excited to move into my new apartment and have Tan Tan as a roommate :) I just hope this summer is great with the least amount of drama as possible. ha. who am I kiddin. drama should be my best friend for how much drama there is in my life.

My apologies? But not quite....

haha! I have to admit it. I would be a fool if I didn't. Because reading through all my old post I have realized they go in a circle. I decide I like a boy things are good for awhile I turn to hate him and all men then become sad and give up on dating then the next day I meet a new boy and so the pattern continues. As much as I want to give up on dating even just for a few short weeks, it seems impossible...I enjoy the company of men far too much. And my dear friend Benjamin thinks I am ready to get married? ha! I can hardly stand a man for much longer than a few weeks, how would I possibly be able to stand one for eternity?!

Also, I apologize for all those of you who read my blog and all you ever read about is my dating life. But truly its the most exciting thing about my life. I mean who wants to read that I have decided on a life plan and will be done with school next May? no one. Its boring and totally expected. Not to mention I do this blog more of as a journal than anything...for some reason it's easier for me to write on a blog than to write on pages in a journal. The hard part is I don't include names on here for fear the person I am talking about will one day read it, and going back even a few short weeks I have no idea what man I was talking about...yes this is true. I just go through them so quickly I have to forget about the old ones in order to make room for the new ones. sad, but so very true.