I just don't know anymore....

"I realized she doesn't need an army to protect her... You don't let anyone close enough to hurt you in the first place."

Story of my life. It is commonly said to me that I have a new man every day, or am crazy about a new guy every week. Even though I deny it, this is a very true statement. But why do I choose to do this? The first reason is because I don’t like to waste my time. If I find a man is not what I want, I ditch him before I obtain real feelings. The second reason goes hand in hand with the first, because I don’t like to get hurt. By having multiple men at one time and going through them frequently none of them get the chance to break down my wall. The few who have gotten through to me are the reasons why I am this way. I do not trust men, and I don’t know that I ever will. I don’t feel that any man will respect me, as none have that I have dated up until this point in my life. So what do I do? I run. As soon as a man gets to a point where I think I could have feelings for him I find some way to rid myself of him.

“Can I ask you a question please? Promise you won’t laugh at me. Honestly I am standing here afraid I’ll be betrayed. As twisted as it seems I only feel love when it’s in my dreams.”

I trust no man, for fear he will only betray me as so many have before. For fear that he will change in a month and no longer respect me. For fear that one day he will leave me. For fear that one day I will no longer be good enough and the girl next door is much better. For fear that one day the video games will be much more important than me. For fear that no matter how much I try, I will never be what he really wants. For fear that he is still in love with someone else, and I am only a stand in. For fear that if we do get married he won’t be willing to work out our problems and just leave. For fear that he has some unidentified demons or addictions that don’t surface till many years later. For fear that if I gain weight he will no longer love me. For fear that he will be exactly like every other man I have dated.

“You think that I’m still here, you see me, you feel me…But I am gone. I don’t need any more broken hearts.”

Once a day I have someone tell me I am pretty, gorgeous, talented, amazing so on and so forth. But that’s the thing I don’t get, if I am so amazing and gorgeous why don’t men treat me as such? It’s not because I don’t demand it, because I do. I do not put up with being treated like crap (which is once again why men come and go so quickly). I was reading THIS blog post and thinking how similar I want my future husband to be. I want a man who does notice some of the little things I do and appreciate what I do. I was having a conversation with a friend this week that went something like this.

Him: Lindsey I really think you should date “Jim”

Me: Oh, and why is that?

Him: Well because you are kind of amazing, you always take care…..

Me: of all the men in my life?! Yeah I know!

Him: Well yeah. You always pamper men and he is a really great guy who deserves a girl like you to treat him just as well as he would treat you.

Me thinking “Well if I am so amazing how come only one man would treat me as amazing back?!”

My response: I don’t know I will think about it.

I am just so confused. I really just don’t know what to do anymore. All I want is a nice man who respects me and to live happily ever after.

Cleanliness...

I really hate messes. I hate cleaning up after everyone else's messes. But I do love things being clean and in order, and after spending two hours this morning cleaning the kitchen and living room I am happy to say they are clean and I am proud to invite people over to my apartment.

"Rain, Rain go away...."

What a beautiful sabbath day it was. I woke up went to church and was pleasantly surprised when a handsome young fellow sat down next to me, with his even more handsome roommates sitting behind us. We chatted and flirted throughout sunday school and parted ways before sacrament...but Tanille and I are skilled and somehow got them to sit next to us in sacrament as well. Then as we were conversed we discovered they had no dinner plans so needless to say we invited them over(since we had uninvited a few other jerky men). Five o'clock rolls around and two men join us then another 5 minutes later we are joined by the other two roommates. For dinner I cooked pork chops soaked in a raspberry vinegar, mashed potatoes with sour cream, heavy cream, butter and cheese mixed in, and a apple cucumber salad with a raspberry vinaigrette. It was fabulous if I do say so myself, which I don't because they also said it was fabulous. After dinner all of the men pitched in and unloaded then reloaded our dishwasher and washed our pans. At this point I was stunned. Rarely do men do the dishes when they come over to eat...these ones might just be keepers. Anyways after everything was cleaned up we played some games and got to know each other a little better. It was tons of fun and I have some restored hope in the male species now! I mean how sweet can a few guys be? well these ones were by far some of the sweetest I have ever met! Then Tan and I made a venture to the park to swing :) and dropped by another fellows house for games....ha needless to say the odds were once again in our favor with there being 12 guys there and we were the only girls! :) I love life! I also love spending time with by friend Tanille and meeting decent guys who make everything a little more enjoyable!

Oh! p.s. I also went on a date with a very respectable sweet boy, and am excited at the possibilities he holds! :)

Oh Life....

So the title of my blog is "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" but I am starting to feel as though that is a lie. Because I have yet to meet a gentleman...I have yet to meet a decent man. I don't understand life. Heck, I don't even understand me right now. I know what I want....I am just finding it hard to accomplish. I feel as though I am being sucked down into black hole and there is no way of escaping it. Ha! It's summer, and I have been playing like I am going to die tomorrow, but I just feel like something is missing. I just can't figure out what. I have lost my desire to date and to get to know men. In fact I could hull up inside my room for the next 3 months and be just fine I do believe. But that would not benefit my life, and it would allow this black hole of darkness to win. I don't understand what is missing. Ok, fine....Yes I do. But I DO NOT want to admit it out loud. Especially since the reason for the sadness is because i have lost hope, It find it hard to have the faith in that one thing anymore. I know I should trust in the Lord and know that when the time is right and I am ready that whatever is supposed to happen will. But I just feel broken, I feel like no man ever enters my life with good intentions and that they are all just out to hurt me. This thinking then in turn pushes the guys who could be good away and makes them angry. what can I do? I mean the minute I put my trust in someone is the minute they let me down. Maybe I could remedy this thinking if it didn't happen so often, time and time again. I know I am complaining and I really shouldn't because I am so very blessed, sometimes I just get sad.

On a different note and to maybe cheer me up again, I shall talk about why I am blessed, or why I feel I am extraordinarily blessed. My parents are truly the most amazing people I have ever met. They are going on their 31st year of marriage and still going on strong and I love them for that. I love them for the amazing example they set for me, and that they never gave up, like so many other couples do today, they kept strong and worked for the marriage they have. I have an amazing little sister who is such an example to me, even though I am the one who should be the example. She makes me laugh so hard I cry, and makes me so angry I go red in the face, but I love her unconditionally. I am so proud of her for graduating from high school and seminary! She will do great at ISU and I am sure she will love it because she can make the best of any situation and be an example to those around her.
I also am so blessed for my extended family. I went to my great-grandmothers house last weekend and spent a few hours with my mom grandma and great-grandma, what a wonderful experience it was! I even got new silverware a table and chairs and a bed! I loved listening to my great-grandma talk of old stories I was especially excited when in a drawer we found her mothers handwritten cookbook! Talk about amazing! Then when looking through the cupboards I found a blue plate with some flowers on it and fell in love, because it was just so vintage and cute...come to find out it was a plate she received for her wedding! Yes, I know have a plate that is over 60 years old! Talk about amazing! I also spent the morning garage selling with my mommy. Now those who know me know I HATE mornings they are the bane of my existance, but getting up at 8 on a saturday morning was totally worth it! Then I topped off the evening looking at a sweet face of my friends new baby and chatting with another dear friend while eating frozen yogurt. I am so grateful for amazing friends, and I am thankful for the horrible ones who let me appreciate how good the great ones are. Well I have so many other things I am grateful for and am blessed with....but this post is probably the longest one I have ever done....So I shall end it with adieu.

What I Want Will Never Happen

I want to be a man's inspiration.
I want a man to think I am amazing and perfect the way I am.
I want a man who doesn't want me to change, but to just be me.
I want to love a man....forever.
I want to grow old with my best friend.
I want to live my own happily ever after.
But maybe what I want is not what I need.
And since I cannot control any of the above,
I will do things I can control.
I will finish school and start a career.
I will pay off my student loans.
I will love my family, because they are my all.
I will treat everyone I meet with love and respect (even though some are less deserving).
I will serve others.
I will strengthen my testimony everyday.
I will be an example to others by the way I live my life.
I will be a generally joyful person, causing others to be happy.
I will travel the world, even if I have to do it by myself.
I will not trust men to be there for me when I need them.
I will not get my heart broken anymore.
I will not get attached to any man.
I will go to the temple one day.
I will fall in love with my hobbies.
I will create adventure and spontaneity in my life.
I will enjoy and utilize the true meaning of friendship and the true friends I have.
I will be ok.

Toast with a side of drama

It is stories such as this that make me miss my dear Kasidy and Sydnie. Why you ask? Because they are accepting people, they understand people make mistakes and to love them for who they are. They are never fake. Much unlike two people who are the complete opposite. I had a very long conversation about this with a dear friend, and we decided this happens much too often in our church. People think that they are perfect and therefore can judge others for their downfalls, when the fact is that we all have downfalls, no one is perfect. While some have struggles paying their tithing or making it through all 3 hours of church, others have struggles with bigger demons like drinking or drugs. Yes although the severity maybe a little different everyone's trials are different and we shouldn't judge someone for the trials they are going thru, but instead lend a hand. We are all just trying to make it back to our Heavenly Father, there are some who have lost sight of that and we need to be there to help them when they fall and be an example to them by the way we live. These two people, whose names will remain unmentioned, are not my friends and never will be. They never showed qualities a friend would have, and they never cared. So I will leave them in my book as two people I lived with once, but never really knew because I cannot believe anything that was said or happened was real. But I am grateful for this experience because it makes me cherish the few good girl friends I have. To all my dear girl friends, I love you and have so much to thank you all for! :)