I am done.

I am done making an effort for other people. If they deserve to be a part of my life they can show some effort of their own.

Patience.

Patience?! Really what normal human being has patience? Not myself. I feel though that if I were to be a little more patient things would work out a little better. So, with the new week I am starting a new goal....to work on my patience, a top the other goals I am working on :) hopefully it helps a tad!

Oh What To Do...

I'm nervous, and scared.
I don't know what to do.
I know exactly what I want.
I know that it could make me eternally happy.
But am I really prepared for such?
I also can't bring myself to admit it...
Out Loud.
So what's keeping me from jumping off this cliff?
The fact that its a 50 foot drop,
And last time I hit the ground...
There is also the part of me that doubts,
What if this is all in my mind?
I mean after all I am a girl...
A typical girl who over thinks everything!
I feel like I have been down this road
So many times before.
But something tells me this time is different.
What is different,
I have no idea.
But maybe....one day
I will figure it out.
Because right now, I just don't know what to do...

I LOVE!

I love life!
I love the rain.
I love my mommy.
I love men.
I love sweet and cute men.
I love inspiration.
I love swinging on swing sets!
I love sunshine.
I love reconnecting with old friends.
I love good memories, and good times.
I love making memories.
I love cooking a delicious meal.
I really LOVE music!
and I love sleep.

Wondering

Do you ever wonder?
Wonder when your day will come?
Wonder if it will EVER come?
Waking up day after day,
Completely alone.
Your chances come and go,
But none ever really seem good enough.
Good enough for eternity.
After losing tear after hopeless tear,
Bricks are slowly added to the wall
To ensure no one can ever get to your heart.
Even though your wall seems impenetrable,
You sit and hope that one day
One man will be up to the challenge.
To sweep you off your feet.
To love you for eternity.
But with every new man and
With every new chance,
Your doubt and fear ruin things.
As you fear the new man will be like the last,
And doubt the honesty and trustworthiness
Of any man.
You gradually lump all men into one category,
As jerks who are here to hurt you.
But then one day you meet a man.
A man who breaks all your stereotypes of men.
Your hope is restored
For a chance at a new start, a new future.

Beauty day #1

Ok, so here it is. I am officially gonna stick to this! Today's beauty, even though the day is yet to be over...SUNSHINE! somewhat decent weather. getting a 14 out of 15 on my psych quiz! speaking up in English and sharing my thoughts with my group of 12 men(I did shake from nerves tho...) walking home with a amazing person! Having an amazing mommy who always listens to me and shares amazing advice! and looking forward to spending the weekend with my family! oh. and I don't try to be a vain person, but I do feel that I look good today, which makes me feel good about myself! :) and I love the power music has, that it is able to take my mood from drabby to fabulous!

Where did the Beauty go?

I realize my last 4 posts have been major downers. And I really hate portraying that my life is horrible. Because really it's not. I am so very blessed. I have a family who loves me, I still have friends that care so much for me, I have the church in my life and the knowledge that it is true, I have the opportunity to hold a temple recommend. I love being able to go to church and have every single talk and lesson be tailored specifically for me. I love the fact that no matter how many people I lose or am mad at, there is always one person I can look to for any answer to any problem. I love the fact that I am able to be going to school and getting an education, I love the fact that even though things may get messed up once in awhile second chances can happen. I love the fact that forgiveness is real, and people do believe in it. I love the fact that I have amazing role models around me and when I need guidance all I have to do is look to them. I am so very grateful for the scriptures and for the peace and comfort they bring to me. I am thankful for the prophet and past prophets who have delivered pieces of information, I feel, directly towards me. I cannot wait for general conference, for even though I may appear to be sleeping through most of it, I listen through osmosis and hear everything said. I love having friends to look to, and roommates who are willing to listen. I do hate liking guys though, and wish I could stop myself from falling, because being mad and hurt only lasted so long. I am so very grateful for people who are in tuned to the spirit and because of them I hear what I need to and become better. I am grateful for the fact that I have a (somewhat) sound mind and that I am a generally healthy person. Basically I just need to go back to the resolution of sorts I made to find the beauty in something everyday.

If only, If only....

What do you want from me?!

This past week in a half has definitely been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been stabbed in the back before, I have been taken advantage of before and used. But never to the extent that I was this past week. and the thing is, it didn't just happen with one person, it happened with 6 separate people. 6 separate people that I considered to be my closest and dearest friends. Well I am working on forgiving all of them now. But a few of them have just been completely removed from my life. I can't stand around and be hurt time and time again. But for right now while I am working on forgiving and moving on, I feel completely broken, and hurt beyond belief. I just don't understand how someone I care for and view as a friend could hurt me in a way most people would not even dare. I have spent a good amount of time this weekend by myself trying to analyze what went wrong, or what I did wrong. But being my harshest critic I cannot think of anything besides choosing the wrong kind of friends to surround myself with. One of the scenarios I have a little more blame in, because if I would have been honest with how I felt from the get go it all could have played out differently. But in the other scenario, I was completely honest about my feelings and I still was played like a fiddle. I just don't know what to do. Church today was exactly what I needed though. I just have to take it one day at a time and it will all be ok, and much more manageable for myself. Moving on is the hardest part though. It's hard to just leave friends in the dust, but I know that I must unless I want to get hurt again.

I have a fury stronger than fire

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round"

Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. Well I have had it with shaming myself. So I will no longer be giving second chances. There are a few cases where this is not true, but for the majoring you mess things up with me, you won't ever be seeing me again.

Well....

Cry. Let it all out. Scream. Let the anger bubble over and rage. Then whats left at the end is usually the solution to your problems. Only what if there is no answer or solution?
I think I make wise decisions but I keep ending up in the same crap hole where I started, when will I learn. The truth, who knows, maybe never. But I am willing to walk forever in hopes of finding you. But please, don't keep me waiting forever, for I am not sure how much more this poor heart of mine can take.