Greener Grass

“All of these dreams in my head keep spinning round and round. Make this picture perfect. All these lines on my page won’t mean anything until I learn to erase the ones that I don’t need. I am covering up the stupid mistakes and starting over and over again to make this picture perfect. I will start with where I am standing now and keep in check in where I want to be. No one can tear my picture down, because it’s me, this self portrait I’m creating. I’m doing fine.”

I heard this song on a movie and it really struck me. We are trying to make our picture perfect. In life we start at the beginning we make mistakes and through repentance we erase our mistakes in a sense to create a beautiful picture. Also the stupid mistakes we make are what help us learn from past experiences and mold into a more developed person. I am sure we all have a nasty paint splatter that could have ruined our picture but through repentance it has become far more beautiful than we imagined.

This is incredibly boring...

As I sit here at work with a dead phone I realize how much I rely on technology. I am seriously dying without having some contact with the world outside my little bubble! I do have my laptop..but no internet. I get so lonely! It’s a great thing I have these sappy romantic movies to keep me company (sarcasm). I hate watching romantic movies…they make me crave companionship. It’s not just the fairy tale part of a relationship I crave, I want the bad times that make me appreciate the good times. I am ok with fighting as long as we can communicate and work through the problems. I want to get to know another person, to know their habits, good and bad. I don’t want to be scared anymore, I want to learn to trust, so a person doesn’t have to earn my trust, but it is automatically given to them when I first meet them.

“I wanna be the one you reach for first.”

I feel that my trust issues have made me a selfish person, I forget to think of others because I am too worried they are going to hurt me, when I may be hurting them. But that’s not what I want. I want to be someone’s companion, the person you lean on and the one you turn to when something goes wrong. But I do need someone who will understand my faults and work with me, like I would with them in their faults.

“Slow to trust but I’m quick to love. I push too hard and I give too much. I ain’t sayin’ I’m perfect but I promise I’m worth it. Now I’m standing here in front of you, tell me boy what you gonna do?”

This is my personal motto. Why? Because it fits me perfectly. I am working on the trusting part, but I don’t think there is any way I can change the rest. I am who I am therefore, “take me as I am”.

Lately through conversations with my roommates and thoughts as some of my friends become parents, I have been thinking about what I really want from a future spouse…

And what I want? Someone who respects me. Someone who will take care of me if I am sick. Someone who truly believes in the gospel, the power of prayer, testimony, the redeemer, repentance, and in the plan of salvation. Someone who is a worthy priesthood holder. I don’t want a man who has the “fake it till I make it” motto, I want him to believe it. Someone who will take our children to the park. A man who will be an example to our children, to be an encourager of all things good, and an excellent source of advice. someone who will love unconditionally and be accepting of many. Someone who makes me want to be a better person. A man who is a man and will be the protector of our family. Someone who appreciates the little things as much as I do. Someone who will hold my hand even when we are 50 and already raised a family. Someone who is an example to many but follows few. Someone who marches to the beat of his own drum and embraces and loves the fact that I do to. Someone who will cook dinner with me and enjoy it. A man who will take his turn to do the dishes. Someone who will open my door until the day we die. Someone who appreciates my opinion but has an opinion of his own. Someone who pushes me to try new things. Someone who wants to travel with me. Someone who would be worthy to give our children father’s blessings. A man who will take me to the temple. A man who no matter the number of mistakes he has made, learns from them and is a better person because of them. Someone who is willing to forgive me when I get overly emotional and/or when I freak out. A man who is willing to read scriptures with me and have family home evening as a family. Someone who helps keep me in check financially. Someone who embraces my creativity, and is willing to share things about himself (hobbies, interests, etc.) with me. Someone who is willing to point out when I am wrong, or when I am doing things I shouldn’t, but still be accepting and help me work on it. Someone who maybe doesn’t share all my favorites, interests, or hobbies. Someone who loves me. Someone who loves Heavenly Father. A man who respects his mother and all women in general. And most importantly a man who can make me smile and laugh.

That’s a pretty long list. But I don’t feel that it is impossible for a man to be what I want. I am only asking what I promise to deliver. I only ask that he comes half way I will go the other half.

GET ME OUTTA HERE!

“There’s gotta be something else out there for me. I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream. There’s more than this Midwestern town. I can’t let this place keep me down. So I tell myself, there’s a ‘guy’ out on the coast of California. There’s a world out there and it’s waiting for me. And I can hear them calling my name tonight. Take me away I need the sand and the waves. The sunset and let’s not forget those warm autumn days. I just need to get out of here, and visit the coast just to see ‘him’.”

I am so ready for a vaca! I need a break, I need out of this state. The 28^th cannot come soon enough! I am ready for the sand, water, and warmth! :)

Broken...

Where do I begin?
I’m ready now.
Glad I was fit in.
Running round my head
What did I do wrong?
Tell me it’s my fault
You didn’t lead me on, well that’s good to know
Get your lips off of me, I’m not okay with this.
So long now I was betrayed with a kiss
I’m done.
I’m done.
I’m done.
You won this time.

Set my pride to the side
Tear me open look inside
Just to see how many times you’ve really made these eyes cry.
Oh... Oh...
I let you in and gave you pieces
I’m quick to stumble pain increases.
Oh there’s a hole
That lingers deep inside my body, I fall too fast no one can stop me, no.

So what I wanna love?
Why’s it hurt so bad?
I’d say it’s like a drug, but I don’t feel the high
My heart is about to break for the final time.
All I do is ache, and I can’t find some piece of mind.
Break it off, god he know I’m trying
Shake it off, no more crying.
I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.
You won’t win this time.

Set my pride to the side
Tear me open look inside
Just to see how many times you’ve really made these eyes cry.
Oh... Oh...
I let you in and gave you pieces.
I’m quick to stumble pain increases.
Oh there’s a hole
That lingers deep inside my body, I fall too fast no one can stop me, now.

Why do we always have to go?
I’m making a scene let’s start the show
Every part of me that’s been torn down
I’m sick of being hush hush I’m going to make a sound.
A Sound
Hey...
Yeah

Oh... Oh...
I let you in and gave you pieces.
I’m quick to stumble pain increases.
Oh there’s a hole
That lingers deep inside my body, I fall too fast no one can stop me, no.

In the heat of the moment.

Sometimes when you are mad you say things you either don't mean or know not to say. Sometimes in the heat of the moment you don't think and just jump to conclusions. It's a normal human reaction to be defensive instead of being hurt. I know on more than one occasion I have said things I don't mean to say, or what I do say gets jumbled up and turned into something that I did not intend. At any rate, I feel bad. I never mean to hurt anyone by the things I say, sometimes I just don't think before I speak. It's a problem I am working on, to gain some sort of filter. But I can't remedy the situation if I cannot talk about what's going on and figure out how to make things better. I must apologize to all those of you I have hurt with my words, I never intended to do such things.

My Missionary

Walking in 5 minutes late she rushed to find an open seat, she spotted the familiar faces she was looking for, and as discreetly as possible climbed over a few people to get to her seat. Once seated she realized that around her were many children. She was grateful for the change of company, for too long she had been surrounded by irritable adults. She started to shiver in the cold chapel and thought to herself she should have woken up earlier and had time to blow-dry her hair. Nevertheless she was not about to let anything distract her from why she was there, to feel the spirit and listen to her best friend speak. After about ten minutes, children were crawling over her to get from one side to the other, still she sat rather un-phased. She could have chosen to be perturbed by the children, but instead decided to look at them for the miracle they are. Children bring so much entertainment and smiles, and she was grateful for the smile they brought upon her lips. As her best friend got up to speak she listened intently, but soon her mind wandered, wondering what she would do without the companionship of her friend for a year and a half. She knew she would make it through with letters and putting her faith in Christ, but she also knew that no one could fill that spot. No one could measure up to the bar set by her best friend, because never before has she met some one that she can yell at and fight with and a day later all wounds are mended and better than before. Her best friend has always been there for her, and they have gone through many trials and struggles with the others help.

This is the story of my day today. I went to my best friends mission farewell, and as much as I am going to miss her, I look forward to sending her, her first letter and receiving my first letter. I know she will do amazing things, and many people will learn of the gospel because of her. I love you so much Shayla! I am so excited to hear all the amazing stories I am sure you will gain, and all the people's lives you have changed, because I know you have changed mine.

P.S.
Here is a couple songs I am LOVING right now...
Long Hot Summer
and Dirt Road Anthem

The Crazy Woman I Am...

Sometimes I am not sure what goes through my mind?! Really! Who would work4 twelve hour days and take a math test drive two hours home and work another 3 days at 8 hours each....only crazy people. Oh yeah, and people who want to go to Cali! :) Although, I do love LOVE the people I work with. I am so blessed to have not only the most amazing roommates who come visit me while I get bored at work and being able to work with amazing people who make 8 hours fly by! :)

On a different note, there is nothing I enjoy more than spending two hours by myself driving ( ok maybe there are a few things I enjoy more). It is so calming and serene. I am able to think and I feel like I figure out a lot of the puzzles of my mind. Also, it's when I get to belt out my crazy singing voice and no one is there to laugh, but myself. I LOVE IT! While driving home I had my ipod set on shuffle and THIS song came, and it was kinda funny how it fits my life.

What I Want

"I would rather you be a man who did exactly as he pleased."
-The Tourist

I don't want a man who does what I want him to do. I want a strong man who does as he pleases, it would be nice if he considers me in his choices..but you can't have everything. It's so unattractive when a man will change himself to impress a woman. Just be yourself. I will either like you or I won't. But I am going to be me, so that is all I ask of any man.

If my life were a song...

“Hoping that you can’t hear me, cuz I feel like I am thinking out loud. Wondering if you can read me, I guess there is no easy way out. I take it too far whenever you’re around. But you caught me off guard. You’re already breaking me down. I know I said I’m not looking for serious, but seriously. I didn’t know that you would go and be just what I need, seriously. Thinking I have you figured out, but then you leave me in doubt. You make me think I’m seriously crazy. Why can’t I see you turn away, because I don’t know what I say? Do you seriously avoid me? Can you honestly tell me you don’t feel a thing? Cuz last night you honestly held me. And I was making believe you were really mine. I know I said I’m not looking for serious, but seriously. I didn’t know that you would go and be just what I need, seriously. I want to tell you but you make it so hard to do. Why would I lose? I’d rather keep you around. I want to say no, but you make it so hard to go. How do I know you’re not going to let me down this time around? I know I said I’m not looking for serious, but seriously you moved me. I didn’t know that you would go and be just what I need. If you seriously don’t feel a thing, let’s get to the part when you leave. I said I’m not looking for serious, but seriously. I didn’t know that you would go and be just what I need. Seriously you moved me. Hoping that you can’t hear me cuz I feel like I am thinking out loud.”

You know when you listen to a song and it just seems to fit your life? Well this song seems to fit my life quite well right now. Ha, in fact most songs my Katy McAllister fit my life at one point or another. She is amazing check her out HERE if you haven’t heard her before, truly an amazing singer/songwriter. I am going through another music craze as I feel many songs fit the tune of my life. I also really need to start writing a book, because if I weren’t the one living it, my life would be highly entertaining to read. Another thought….I need to find something to entertain my mind while at work, because thinking might lead to my down fall.

Cowboy Butts Drive Me Nuts! ;)

I LOVE cowboys! So very attractive! Also…This song makes my smile. I want a cowboy! Jess if you read this I hope your still working on finding me one ;)